Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Worst decision ever

As I was finishing up my studying for the night tonight, I did a quick Google search to check on one little nuance of law. Basically, I was too lazy to go get my Conviser outline out of the other room, and I knew from experience that there were enough BarBri outlines available through Google that it wasn't worth the effort.

But by some freak coincidence of search terms, I happened upon a website of a guy who's failed that Cal Bar twice and is getting ready to take it a third time...which, in turn, connected me to about a dozen other blogs of Bar repeaters. Some end with little triumphant posts where the blogger celebrates passing after umpteen tries, talks about how they'll never take it for granted, and shares what tips and tricks finally worked for them. Others are still in the thick of it, talking about what they're doing for the July 2008 Bar that's different from what they did in February 2008...and July 2007...and February 2007. Several provide exhaustive reviews of every Bar review source imaginable, stuff I've never even heard of because I'm just doing BarBri and that's it. There are lots of friendly comments, with people offering condolences or cheering one another on. It's apparently a very vibrant and supportive community.

But, you can imagine, this is a community I want nothing to do with.

Throughout this whole process, I've had a very specific view of this period and my feelings of stress about it. Everyone has given me the usual, "Don't worry, you'll pass." And I have replied, very honestly, "I know I'll pass, I just hate all the stuff I have to do to get there." My psychological malady hasn't been anxiety, it's just been straight depression from the fact that this process is so mind-numbingly boring, and that I am so incorrigibly incapable of focus.

But tonight, for the first time, I have that knotted "what if?" feeling in my gut. It doesn't help that, just this week, I heard about an HLS '07 grad who just failed the Bar for the 2nd time (and lost her job as a result). And I know that the feeling will go away, and yes, I know that I will pass. I keep remindig myself that I took the SATs without a formal prep course (I used a $50 computer program and just did practice test after practice test). That I took the LSATs without a formal prep course (same). That after a while, even HLS came easily enough. That it's okay if I'm not studying as hard as other people, because frankly, I never did. That (no arrogance or disrespect meant) demographically, my educational and work experience do not bear much resemblance to the norm of the "vibrant" repeater community. All of this I intellectually understand, and on some level, truly believe.

But for now, for tonight, as I finish up here and head to bed, this sucks.

4 comments:

John Fitzpatrick said...

Do you think it would be helpful for Tiger Woods to start reading a book called "Greatest Golfing Failures and Spectacular Choking Moments” just before playing in the Masters?

Ken Basin said...

Certainly not. Hence the Blog post title, "Worst decision ever."

Those blogs are dead to me. And as expected, I do feel fine today.

Stephanie said...

I do not feel fine today. Today I panicked, sure that I would be the .05% of HLS that fails the bar every year. So I feel you.

*vomits*

The problem is, I don't think you can ever get to a confident point, ya know? There is simply too much law to truly know it all. I feel like everything is just damage control.

But I will probably be better tomorrow, too. here's hopin'.

Theresa said...

Who failed? Was it who I think it is???